2010

Wow, 2010! Two more years until mankind's imminent doom!

It was brought to my attention by a careful reader and dear friend (whom I will call back THIS WEEK), that I have not updated in a long time. Moreover, my last post was one of woe and misery. Shame on me!

Let me assure my loyal fans that I am doing well. Still unemployed, which is primarily why I am doing well (heh). I was in California for three weeks and returned the morning of New Year's Eve. I'll perhaps write more about that later. But it's good to be back in NYC, and good to be back with the ball-and-chain. We are getting along famously and all seems right in the world.

Happy New Year!

Memories

Oh, what a sad little creature I have been the last week or so. Paralyzed by the fear of wasting money, I spend most of my time in my 350 foot square prison of an apartment. I do get out, of course. This week, I've been awakening early to either run or workout. But somehow, I find myself back in the apartment and leave when there is only an hour of sunlight left. I don't blame the lack of light for my sentiment. I enjoy Fall/Winter! I'm just used to having a job when it strikes.

But now..now, I find myself unmotivated and just here. It's more than slightly depressing. Worst, it makes me second guess myself and those around me.

Namely, Zachary.

This evening, I met a friend for happy hour drinks, and we had a ball. I continued the party here at the prison/apartment. Riding a wave of nostalgia, I broke out the box of photos squirreled away in the closet and attempted to fill up my photo albums. I didn't get much done, but I did view many photos from my past. Many, especially of my first boyfriend/love. It is difficult for me to explain the importance of this person. Though it ended badly (I was 21, sigh), when I think of him, I think of how good he was. A good person and a good boyfriend. He was unselfish (though not selfless). He endeavoured to understand me.

I love Zach very much. But I feel he doesn't try. I am constantly feeling taken for granted and what fun is that! We have such a good time, and understand each other well. Am I the one being selfish now? Do I want too much? Sometimes I think yes, but most times..no. I'm 31 now. I should feel more loved than ever, but I don't. It makes me sad. So, I look at photos and remember simpler times.

It makes me sadder.

Being Boring

Hi, Fans (?)

Do I have any left? The frequency of my posts is obviously an issue. I suppose I just don't feel like sharing my thoughts as much as I used to enjoy it. Still have lots to say, mind you, but I just can't seem to write it down. Perhaps I've been unemployed too long and my sense of self-worth is draining a tad? That could be a reason. Well, in any case, let's catch you up:

1. In late August, Zach and I went to Philadelphia and Chincoteague Beach, VA. A fab time!
2. Made the annual pilgrimage to Fire Island, courtesy Adam, and met two new friends. Hot dog!
3. Over Labor Day weekend, I sprained my right wrist quite badly and was unable to work out or do anything with it for three weeks. Bummer!
4. My parents came to visit and stayed with us for a little over a week. A wonderful experience!
5. I've been job-hunting. But seriously now. Mostly looking in the non-profit sector. Blah.
6. Have also been writing a tad. *shrug of the shoulders* We'll see.
7. I saw Alicia Silverstone this past week on 14th St!
8. Zach left this morning for a week. I'm on my own. And of course, the weather is shitty, so lots of indoor time - as if I don't get enough of that.

How have you all been?

(Here's a photo of our Virginia motel.)

Celebrity Sighting! Right Outside my Door

A Beastie Boy. Right out in front of my apartment building! But, I mean, right in front. When I exited my building to go for a run yesterday morning, Adam Yauch (aka MCA) and two people with whom he was conversing had to move to get out of my way. What the hell they were doing talking in front of my building, I don't know. But I recognized him immediately and in that brief second during which we made eye contact, he could tell I knew. But fans, as you know, I am one cool cucumber, so I kept walking. Of course, I turned around a couple times to take another gander. MCA has been recently treated for lymph node cancer, which explained the long scar along his throat. I wanted to say something cool and Buddhist to him, but he wasn't alone, and I looked like a dumb jock in my running shorts and wife beater, anyway. So, here's my message to MCA - sending good thoughts out to you, man!

Stop It!

Madonna, please stop with the plastic surgery. Please reverse what you've done. You're depressing me. For real! You were supposed to be the coolest.



before:

Summertime

Hi Fans,

I KNOW! I've been terrible. It's so dumb, too. As I walk, talk and drink in this city, I always think, "I should write about this! These are good thoughts!" I'm afraid, however, that two things get in the way. One, I find it a nuisance that I have to type my thoughts. I would much rather you all read my thoughtful thoughts. So much easier! So much cleaner. In other words, I get bored of the idea of typing.

The second thing is that I am more and more conflicted about the idea of sharing my thoughts with the internet. More specifically, am I tacky for putting these thoughts into writing? I tend to think no, but I'm no judge.

In any case, today was so delightful. I wish I could have shared my feelings as I sat at an East Village bar enjoying happy hour. Truth is, I am lonely, often. But were I with people, I wouldn't want to say much. Such a contradiction! But, well, that is me.

Spring!

Oh, gawd! What a boring last post I left up for you, my dear readers, to read over and over again!

It's simply ridiculous how I have so much time on my hands (still) yet make little to no effort keeping up this journal. The irony is not lost on me. Irony never is, actually.

I'll attempt to be better. In the meantime, enjoy this photo I snapped while in Mexico. My people were pretty industrious, eh?

Change

Fans,

I censored myself yesterday. I deleted a post I wrote Sunday morning in which I discussed the possibile dissolution of my relationship because of a) my need for a change of scenery and b) a desire to have a kid. It was wrong of me to post that. I wrote it while in the mouth of despair.

I, from time to time, get the doldrums. But in the previous week, it gained a life of its own, and I truly felt helpless, depressed and overwhelmed. It was easier for me to think negatively than positively, and I decided the easiest thing would be for me to, essentially, run away. That was wrong and I'm glad I've come to my senses.

While, yes, there will be complications in the future due to my deep desires, it's possible to work it out. I love my boyfriend very much and we'll make it work.

This is Turning Into a Gossip Site

More celebrity sightings, y'all!

Two in one day, in fact. My darling sister was in town and on Monday the 27th, during one of our many walkabouts, we encountered two actors.

At the corner of St. Marks Place and 2nd Avenue we saw Mr. Big himself, Chris Noth entering the Gem Spa to buy a couple papers (USA Today, Noth?) His yellow polo shirt's collar was popped. Le tack.

Later that day, as we were walking west on Grand Street near Ludlow, a small woman, flanked by two guys walked by us and let out a hearty laugh. The very familiar, distinctive, hearty laugh of Rosie Perez. Up close, she's quite pretty and young-looking. I instantly wanted to be her friend.

Celebs - they really are *just like us* Hah.

Close-up Celebrity Sighting!

Dearest Fans,

Yesterday marked a week since my extended holiday. What better way to celebrate than to have a celebrity sighting? Zach and I met for dinner at Pinche Taco, a Tijuana restaurant off-shoot, apparently. After we ordered, we sat a table in the tiny Lafayette Street spot and who was sitting right next to us waiting for his tacos, no more than 5 feet away? Well, yes, Liev Schreiber. He spent the four minutes in my presence fiddling with his blackberry or some gadget of the sort. Then he was brought his three tacos and off he went - face still glued to his gadget.

I've seen him before, but this time I was much closer. He's handsome and tall. Lucky Naomi.

Oh, uh, Hey

You must all be so worried about me. Well, you needn't be. I've been fine, though with a cold here and there. And now, today, I am off to Mexico City for a week, and Los Angeled for a further two weeks. Suck it, unemployment!

The Long & Winding Road

I am feeling lonely.

Usually being alone is a preference. But one can only take so much alone time. I think I go to happy hours more for the novelty of having to speak to someone. I get a sort of thrill when someone asks me for directions or a cigarette (when I smoke, I mean!) I suppose this was bound to happen, and it doesn't make me want to run to a job. Just makes me feel alone.

That's all.

A Little Bit of Winter

It's been cold and snowy in New York. And I love it. The only drawback is that I haven't been doing as much exploring during my unemployment as I wish due to the frigid weather. For though I do enjoy cavorting in the snow, staying out in it is another thing. And so, most days I will watch the winter loveliness from my window. Doesn't help that I've fallen ill, either.

Nostalgia

After all these years, this remains my favorite Pulp song. (The video is less-than-spectacular, but still lovely.) The strings, especially are gorgeous.

R & R

I had a good, three weeks or so, in California, and overall, it was simply a lovely, lovely time. So many little things to share, but not enough room, so instead of a linear narrative, let's do some bullet-pointing!

*Zach came home with me for the first four days and, as usual, everyone loved having him around. We made it to Silverlake one day to do some exploring, and another day went up to Griffith Observatory with the family for some hiking. That's where the sunset photo above hails from. He also helped make tamales. Yay, Zacky!

*My parents have moved into a new house, and it was fun to get to know it. The best part was my constant gardening. As I do not have a yard, I take any chance I get to work in the garden either planting, digging, weeding. Anything that gets soil on my hands. Feels so honest. We planted a number of fruit trees - can't wait until they mature!

*Since I was going to be in California for so long, I decided to spend the New Year in San Francisco as a treat to myself. Boy, am I ever glad I did. It was wonderful seeing old friends, conversing with friends whom I was unable to see (ahem, KA), and wandering the city.

As an extra treat, I spent a day in Berkeley with more wonderful friends. The only shame was that I was a tad hungover. Ah well. Vacation!

*It was sad finally leaving home, but it was definitely time for me to come back. In the full day I've been in New York, I realized that in SoCal, with my parents, I'm sort of like a boy, being taken care of. I love it. But here in NY, I'm on my own, and I feel (and am) a man. And, that, I love a little more.

The Lapse of Promise

Hey y'all. Happy New Year. Sorry - another post with no photos.

I'm a bit down in the dumps today. Part of it is melancholy over leaving the Bay Area, yesterday, but most of it is due to my memories of my time at U.C. Berkeley.

Not my happy-melancholy memories of my time with friends, personal growth and freedom, but rather, my sad-melancholy memories concerning my actual educational experience. This all came to a head today as I sifted through box after box of material stored in my parents' garage. As they have a new house, they are eager to get rid of a lot. I don't blame them. So, in between looking at old birthday cards, yearbooks, and junior high love letters, I ran across two boxes of notebooks from various courses during my time at Cal. With the notes were graded papers and correspondence from TAs. At first, I smiled, going through the notes. But then I read some of my papers and the comments I received - how the hell was I let into Berkeley??

Many of my papers were poorly written, even more poorly researched and just seemed so slapped together at the last minute. I tried recalling writing some of them and remembered...well, yup, I really did just put them together at the last minute. Why did I not do a really good job? Why couldn't I have invested more time in reading all the materials, really paying attention in class, asking more questions? I completely threw away a world class education because my mind was everywhere else but there. Oh, I have my excuses, and I think they're valid, but I suppose ultimately, this will go under the "I wish I knew then what I know now" category. It doesn't stop me from feeling embarrassed reading those papers. The numerous grammatical mistakes and simple vocabulary! Ugh! Why did my intellectual curiousity disappear for four years?

Why am I making such a big deal out of this? Because of two reasons. One, in high school, I was pretty fucking smart. Being the editor-in-chief of my paper gave me an inflated sense of my writing, and my participation in numerous AP classes made me feel that I could breeze through college, I suppose. And you know, I *could* have if I only applied myself. I betrayed the promise of youthful intelligence. In college, instead of getting an education, I got laid. That's what it comes down to, I sometimes think. The second reason this is a big deal and it haunts me is that because of my less-than-stellar transcript, getting into a graduate program of any kind seems like a difficult-to-impossible challenge. Truth be told, this is the biggest reason I haven't applied for any program. I'm scared of being rejected because of my stupid 20 year old self.

Makes me sad.

If We Took a Holiday

Fans,

Merry Christmas. It's been fun here in Southern California. On Tuesday, I go up to San Francisco for a few days. One day, I'll get pictures up on this piece.

Love,
Mikey

Sunny Skies, Here I Come

I'm off for California, Zach in tow. Later, suckers!


ps: Rick Warren giving the inauguration prayer?? You know what? Fuck Obama. I knew I'd hate him as president.

Good Sighting

Sorry for abandoning you, fans. You'd think being jobless, I'd have lots of time on the computer, but the truth is, absent looking at more porn, I'm not often online. I'm out enjoying the city! Or sitting in a dank bar coveting a cigarette. Whichever.

Today, though, I went up to Central Park due to the strange, warm spell we experienced today. After not being cruised by anyone cute in the Rambles, I started walking east out of the park. Close to Fifth Avenue, I noticed a tall and lanky father throwing a football around with his son. As I got closer, I thought "my, he looks familiar, and he's quite handsome." Then, just as I walked by, the kid fumbled the ball a bit, and it rolled towards me. I picked up, tossed it back to him, but it wasn't a good throw so it came back to me. So, I laughed, and threw it again. The kid laughed, and so did the dad - David Duchovny.

He's one of those actors who looks much handsomer in person. (I'm sure they hate hearing that). He's also very tall, and with a much lankier build than I would have assumed. Basically, he was fucking cute, and I wish he was my daddy. Heh. I believe he said "thank you" to me, but I'm unsure. As usual, I played it cool and didn't attempt a conversation or photo, but these people know they're recognized. What an odd living.

A funner photo of Mr. D:

Laid

I WAS LAID OFF TODAY!!!

Fuck that fucking firm, anyway. It's mostly relief since I hated it, but it still pisses me off. I hate being a statistic. arrrgghh.

What A Turkey

Have a Happy Thanksgiving, my dear fans. For once, I shan't be cooking the entire meal, which will leave more time to drink. As a Thanksgiving present, take a gander at this video. Ms. Sarah Palin doing an interview after "pardoning" a turkey, failing to realize the turkeys being slaughtered behind her.

That Sarah - she's one-of-a-kind! (I'd recommend muting the interview).

Blur Rocks

After five beers and some whiskey, I'm in an expansive mood. In honor of my "blog" url's namesake:


And another goodie: the older, wonderful song, "Sunday, Sunday"

Health Problems

Today's predicament: Write about my health crisis or about my pining for San Francisco and all my friends? Based on the title of this post, my observant fans, I have chosen the former.

So, I've had high blood pressure for over six years now and have been taking medication for it nearly that long. That's not new. I even have a cuff at home to monitor my numbers. What is new is the accompanying condition that my doctor has felt it wise to bestow: high cholesterol! Double-whammy. Just superb - my body has decided to open two fronts against me in the hopes of raising my chances of dying early. Great - THANKS, BODY! Okay - part of it is my fault. I have not always been the healthiest eater. I rather eschewed the healthy eating style in favor of steaks, pork chops and bacon. Bear in mind, I always ate my veggies and have been exercising steadily for the last two years, but apparently, it's not been enough. And so, in addition to my two blood pressure meds, I will begin taking a high cholesterol drug.

Frankly, I'm freaked because I feel it's just not fair. Additionally, this news has engendered a wave of frightening and strong anxiety, which of course makes the blood pressure worse. It's a circular thing. I'm trying to relax the fuck out, but my head has a mind of its own (har). After the initial pity party, I have decided to make a true blue effort to lower those bad numbers.

In short, I have become the person I never wanted to be: the food label checker. For the last week, I have been going through my pantry and refrigerator looking at salt, cholesterol and fat levels in my favorite foods and dumping (or ignoring) accordingly. I've begun eating oatmeal in the morning and snacking on nothing but raw vegetables and rice cakes (rice cakes!!). I am going to pretty much watch over everything that enters my mouth (food-wise, that is). Biggest of all: I am going to begin to limit my alcohol intake. That will be the hardest step.

I hate that this is something I need to do, but as I've grudgingly realized, I don't want to quite die yet. And hey, perhaps I'll get a little skinnier while I'm at it. (I'm trying to be optimistic).

Words of encouragement are welcome.

Belated Celebrity Sightings!

Fans,

Now that election season is over, it is time to return to the really important things - celebrities! Duh.

On Sunday, October 26, whilst walking up Sixth Avenue on my way to the WFMU Record Fair (where I got several awesome records), I encountered the normal crush of people outside of Da Silvano, a popular Italian restaurant that I refuse to acknowledge. However, as I was wearing a rather tight t-shirt that day due to the unseasonably warm weather, I was aware of a pair of eyes on me (albeit briefly). I returned the gaze of none other than Calvin Klein, sitting outside with friends, looking much older than this photograph. So, yeah, I was looked at (very briefly) by ol' man Klein.

Two days before Election Day, I dragged my hungover self to the City Hall gym via Lower Broadway. Just below Canal, a tight-lipped, red-headed woman whooshed right by me on her way up Broadway. It took me just a second to realize it was Debra Messing of "Will & Grace" fame. She is a petite woman, but a determined one I could tell. Clearly she was in no mood to sign autographs should a tourist had dared to stop her. She reminded me of Lucille Ball with the lipstick applied outside of her lips.

Not bad after a long celebrity-sighting drought, eh?

Election Endorsement

It's never too late to endorse, I say! And so, on this historic election day, I've made my choice, and I require you, as subjects, to vote the same way:

I am confident I made the right choice. Now, my feelings for Barack Obama have not always been warm, but they've changed over the last several months of the race. As the Republican campaign grew uglier and uglier, I was inexorably pushed closer and closer to the Democratic one, despite my claims of being an Independent. McCain/Palin relinquished any claim to the high road and proved themselves to be bitter, ugly people.

However, my reasons for voting Obama are not based solely on reaction to the Republicans. Obama has proven himself, over these last months, to be a steady, intelligent guy. In spite of the massive ego I still believe he has (and one has to have that to run for president), I feel he wants to genuinely change this country for the good. I, dare I say it? I have faith in him, and I truly hope he proves me, and everyone else who votes for him, right.

If he loses this election, it will be due to fraud. I have no doubt of that. And this time, we will not back down. But I'll try not to think of that for now. For now, let's get him elected!

Picture of the Day!

From this past week's episode of Saturday Night Live. Can you feel the hate? Love it!

Photo Essay: Pacific Northwest

Our Pacific Northwest trip was brilliant. It felt good to get out of New York and visit a new part of the country. Zach had been in San Francisco and Portland the previous week, so he took a bus from Oregon where he was picked up by our friend Darren, and they met me at the airport. It was very cool and grown-up - at least to me. Heh. Not only did Darren drive us into the city but graciously hosted us as well. That first day, we drove around the city a bit in Darren's convertible (awesome) and got to see several different neighborhoods. One of our first stops was the Jolly Roger, a taproom where we had our first amazing Seattle beer, a Maritime Brewing Double IPA. That's one of the best things abut Seattle: the beer! Wow..lots of great local breweries with the type of beer I like: IPAs. Over the course of the next couple days, Zach and I explored, on foot, much of the city. It was surprising how wide-spread the Seattle is - one definitely needs a car or command of the bus system. However, Zach's a walker, and so we walked and I didn't mind too much. We visited the Downtown, Fremont, Queen Anne, Capitol Hill and Belltown areas. Later on the trip, we enjoyed some good beer in Georgetown. My FAVORITE beer bar was Brower's in Fremont, where they happened to be having an IPA-fest. Can you say heavenly? I also stocked up on some plaid shirts from a thrift shop. You expected me to visit Seattle and not buy plaid? Please. I love cliches.

We broke up the Seattle trip by visiting Vancouver for three days via Greyhound. Except for the Afghani National who was taken off the bus at Customs, and the accompanying stress of border patrol being dicks, it was a great car ride. Our initial reaction upon arrival was that Vancouver was so much more urbane and cooler than Seattle. However, a day into this part of our sojourn, the lustre waned. Though imminently walkable, with a large international population, turns out, Vancouver is rather provincial. The liquor laws are arcane and the bad beer really kept me in a sustained bad mood for 3 days. I'll try not to judge the city on the beer, though. I will say this - the food was great! We had wonderful Japanese cuisine, oysters, and found the most awesome old style diner, ever. Another lovely thing about Vancouver was Stanley Park. Great nature stuff. I do recommend the city, but I have to say, I probably don't feel the need to return.

We traveled back to Seattle, spent another lovely two days there, and then sadly, our week came to an end and it was back to New York - complete with bed bug bites!! (But so far, no bed bugs). Damned Vancouver.

**********

Two things:
-Next Thursday, I turn 30. Sigh.
-This may be my last post for a bit. I just haven't had the desire to write. Well, definitely look for me closer to Election Day.

Whoa, Long Time

Been a while - sorry to my four dedicated readers. This past week I was in the Pacific Northwest with Zachary. Seattle and Vancouver, to be exact.

Pictures coming soon.

Beer Fest & Good Friends

Too late for a weekend recap you say? Well, I say too bad!

Fear not, however, it'll be quick.

Friday evening, Zach and I attended the opening of New York's Craft Beer Fest week at the South Street Seaport. The opening entailed a brew fest of 100 brewery tents and about 300 brews. Heavenly! Well, that's what I thought it would be as I walked there along the East River, viewing the Manhattan and Brooklyn bridges, enveloped in a rainy mist. However, once I got there...mayhem. Drunken douches and the girls who love 'em were prevalent. I thought I was going to have to bail, especially with the rain complicating matters. But I bucked up and found the first tent that would fill the complimentary 4oz. glass that served as my ticket for a free pour. (By the way, Zach and I won tickets from a website, and so avoided forking out $60!) By the 5th glass, I was feelin' fine. My favorite brew that evening: Arcadia Double IPA. I believe they are from Michigan.

The next evening, Zach and I dined with dear friends of mine from San Francisco. Always a treat to see them on the East Coast and we fell into conversations as if no time had passed. That's what I miss about my West Coast friends..that easy familiarity.

Sunday was a miserable day in the city - hot, humid and muggy. Finally ready to say au revoir to Summer.

Celebrity Sighting! - The Conchords

This sighting is awesome because I interrupted a filming of an episode of the Flight of the Conchords. Truthfully, I am not very familiar with these chaps or their show.

So, how do I know of them? Through my beloved 18 year old sister who is a huge fan. These kids and their shows!

Anyway, this morning on my way to the F train, I noticed cameras and crew people galore blocking the subway entrance and gritted my teeth with the thought "these fuckers better not make me use another entrance!" And one crew person DID try to do that! But I barked "I need to get to work" and he stood aside and as I descended, who was standing on the stairs? Yes, the Conchords (I don't know their names, heh). They watched me go down and that was all. So, perhaps the back of my head will be on HBO soon.

I called my sister as soon as I could. She was ecstatic and jealous. Success.

Summer Soft

Labor Day finished
Summer waning, days shorter
Then why so damn hot?

Despite missing the first month of Summer, I had an excellent one. True, I could live without the mosquito bites and hellishly hot subway platforms, but they're small prices to pay for the unique feeling of freedom and possibility one feels in the summertime.

These are photos taken in the last couple weeks. You'll see some culinary delights (mmm, shrimp ceviche), my new notebook grill (devirginized just last weekend) and photos from the Rockaways from this past weekend. We took a ferry there from Wall Street, hence the skyline views. And for good measure, I included a blurry photo of a total married stud - father of two, even(!) with the lovliest chest full of hair. He was just so yum that I had to take an illicit photo. How tacky, I know. But since it's blurry, I think I can safely post it.

The Nominee

Okay, Barack Obama is the official candidate for the Democratic Party. No coup by the Clintons, no craziness at the convention. So, here's what I'm going to do: Though now registered as an Independent, I will carefully watch Obama's actions and look closely at his speeches and platform. I will overlook the arrogance I have perceived. Essentially, I will not make this personal. If I think he doesn't pander to the center or right in order to get elected or expose any sort of hypocrisy, I will vote for the guy. Even though I dislike him intensely, 4 years of his administration will be far, far better than another 4 years of a Republican one.

There, happy? Well, I sort of am. It's exhausting to keep the fires of hate stoked. I hope he doesn't fuck it up.

Wake Up, Dems!!

I want to shake Democratic leaders by the shoulders and slap them around a bit! Don't they know they are throwing the election away by letting a certain presumptive Democratic candidate for president remain the candidate?!

Obama's poll numbers are down, and the rest of the country is now seeing him for what he is - or rather, what he isn't: experienced. Normally, I don't put much stock into poll numbers, but c'mon - a Democratic candidate should have WAY more points than a Republican one considering the last 8 years. It's as I've said from the beginning - an agent of change would be great - in 2016. Right now we need someone to fix the damn country, and of course, I still believe that someone is Hillary Clinton.

Okay, so instead of bitching, what do I suggest? I think Hillary needs to be all Catherine the Great-like and lead a coup at the convention and take the candidacy that she rightly deserves. Show that kid that she's got the stuff. She would kick McCain's ass upside down. I wish the stupid Dem leaders would realize that and fall in line.

Ah well: A boy can dream, can't he?

Twitching Anxieties

Dear Fans,

Your hero has not been doing too well for the last two weeks. Wait - don't go! This is not another self-pity party! I've actually been in relatively good spirits, have been eating some fantastic meals, and things with the ball-and-chain are good. The "but" in this case is that throughout these pleasant weeks, I've been suffering from pervasive anxiety. It's the kind of anxiety that no matter how good of a time one is having, there's an underlying shortness of breath, the inability to catch one's breath, sleepless nights and worst of all - the awareness of anxiety. By that, I mean I'm aware of it at all times, so I can't make it go away, because by trying not to think about it brain power is being expended doing so, which of course means I'm thinking of it! What a Catch-22. Perhaps the most annoying manifestation of this anxiety has been an upper eyelid twitch that has continued unabated for these two weeks! ARGGHH.

The obvious solution is to pinpoint the source of anxiety. Or to get completely wasted every night until it goes away [because who thinks about being anxious when you're weaving down 5th Ave?] I bet you can guess which solution I prefer. As to the first solution, however, I don't even know if I can pinpoint the source. I'm generally a stressed-out, anxious person no matter how hard I try not to. Even as a child, I took on other people's burdens and made them my own. I'm a very empathetic person to the detriment of my own health, and frankly, I like that about me. But knowing I have high blood pressure, extra stress and anxiety is bad. I can feel the blood beating against my veins with too much pressure, and I worry about the inevitable heart attack or stroke...which gives me MORE anxiety. Oh, the joyous cycles.

Okay, you talked me into it; I'm totally getting wasted tonight.

This is what one does when bored at work

Today was a day spent lollygagging on the internet. To make the day go by faster, I began watching music videos on youtube. I graduated to random interviews. Is there a better interview/interlude than this??! Love it.

Photo Essay: Random Summer Pics

It's been a lovely Summer so far. Below are photos from San Diego and Fire Island.

iDon'tPod

As many of you know, I am not big into technology. I don't get this iPhone thing, and I still don't have an iPod. Call me antiquated, call me foolish, but I'm perfectly fine with my CDs and CD walkman. I am aware that I look silly at the gym and when walking around, but I reckon I've always been an attention whore, anyway. Har. But the whole iPhone craze makes me think of my CD collection and thinking of this CD collection makes me think of the first seven CDs I ever owned. Unfortunately, without my CD index in front of me, I can only remember five. Ah well. Anyway, picture it: 1994. Ontario, California. A family of 6 and no CD player. As I had always been content to listen to my parents' music, I didn't really form an attachment to popular music then current. I was aware of music, but that was it. Then all of a sudden - and I do mean all of a sudden - one day I decided I WANTED CDs. And even then, when I wanted something, I got it. So, I filled out one of those BMG get-7CDs-for-the-price-of-a-penny! Once mailed, my patience returned. In fact, I may have forgotten about them, but when they were delivered, I remember being surprised, shy, happy and desirous. Then I remembered: I now have CDs, but we still don't have a CD player! With the same impatience and impertinence I displayed when wanting the CDs, I cajoled my parents to buy a CD player that same exact hour. After it was purchased, I set it up in my room, and for the first time, listened to music that I wanted to listen to. It was as ol' Madge sang herself on one of those cds, "music can be such a revelation.." Over the years, I continued to buy albums and expanded my tastes to include a wide variety. I was so into music (mostly indie) that I thought I had a chance in the record industry. Well, that was not to be, and by the looks of the business today, it's probably a good thing, as I would be jobless. My collection of albums now numbers over 535. My pre-New York CDs are in books, while the ones I have bought here have begun to clutter my dresser. I still love music, and listen to it constantly during the day and evening, but I no longer seek out new music. I've become that guy I had hoped not to be: the one into the music of his youth. But I make no apologies. I really like what I like and it makes me happy. That's what music should do.

ps: The Carpenters album was something I got for my parents as a thanks for letting me order the CDs. I was only 15! Why would I like them? Well, now that album is back in my possession.

Unglad to be Unhappy

Been a while since I've bitched and moaned at you, you say? Well, then today you're in for a treat!

I feel deeply unhappy.

Let me count the ways:

1. I hate my job. As in I almost cried coming in today. This isn't because my job is horrible; it's not. I like (most) of my co-workers, and it pays well. But I don't belong here.
2. I don't know how to find a new job/career. It used to be that when I set my mind on something, I could do it. But I am at an impasse and it is depressing me.
3. I am at an impasse and it is depressing me!
4. This professional malaise is spreading into my personal life and self-esteem. I feel pretty unattractive these days. Lack of happiness affects one's appearance in my opinion.
5. I feel this unattractiveness and unhappiness is the reason I feel my boyfriend is not so into me right now. There was a time when he couldn't keep his hands off of me. And now? Not so much. It makes me sad and makes me want make a drastic decision.
6. But then is a decision made from insecurity a good thing? Likely not.
7. Oh yeah - I have about 2 dozen mosquito bites from Fire Island! Maybe I'm merely suffering from some toxic shock from the bites. Hmm..yeah..that's it! In that case, I'll be happy as a clam (whatever that means) in no time.

8. Clearly, I enjoy deluding myself. Bah.

Summer Sun

I was going to post San Diego photos, but damm it, I'm tired, so I'm going to just post one, but it sure is pretty.

Off to Fire Island tomorrow for the weekend!

Seriousness

Fans,

Back in humid, lovely New York! It hasn't been a smooth transition back, and I feel like I have to get to know Zach again before we start meshing again, but as they say, "it's all good." What isn't good is this presidential election. Obama is crying over a New Yorker cover?! "Tasteless and offensive"?? What is tasteless and offensive is the Obama campaign maligning anyone or anything that doesn't adhere to its talking points. Now, any campaign would do that, but it is the manufactured self-righteousness that this particular campaign exhibits that pisses me off. He's going to be as bad as Bush: You're either with us or against us. How is this "change" from the current politics of DC? It's not.

As you can tell, I simply have not been able to rally around this candidate. I'd rather his wife were running - she is, and to me, has always seemed genuine. But she's not running. And I don't know what to do come November 4th. Definitely no McCain! But who?

As a start, today, I mailed a voter registration card. I am no longer going to be classified as a Democrat. Independence is my party.

The West Coast

Fans,

I'm STILL in California. In fact, yesterday marked the one-month mark of my West Coast sojourn. It all ends tomorrow when I fly back to New York. I'm excited, nervous and sad. I've enjoyed my time in San Diego, and here, in LA. After the horror of work was completed, I spent the holiday weekend with my family barbecuing, going to beach. record shopping at Amoeba and relaxing with no fear of being near a copy machine. With this mini-vacation ending, however, I must decide what the hell I want to do with myself. I can't fathom staying at my job anymore. I'm just not into it, and so, am going to seriously think about quitting. That's what makes me nervous.

Ah well. For the time being, I will enjoy the remainder of my stay.

Photos in next post.

Sunny Days

In San Diego, it's always a sunny day. Every day starts off with the hopefulness of gray skies, but it's merely a marine layer that burns of by 11am and the rest of the day...clear skies, cool breezes and abundant sunshine.

I'm getting a little tired of it.

Aside from work (which has just been KILLING me), I've been enjoying San Diego. The food is good (especially real Mexican!), the people nice and the aforementioned weather pleases. It's a very pleasant place! But there's an dark undertone to all the niceties of the city. For one, there is a large number of homeless on the streets. Mind you, I am not an anti-homeless advocate. It is something I strongly identify with (though mostly through courses taken in college). However, it is so widespread that it's disconcerting. Another undertone is the feeling of a lack of culture. Everyone is kind of the same. Same baggy shorts/short shorts, same tank tops/halter tops, and the same ubiquitous flip flops. Good God, this is the flip flop capital of the world! I feel people don't need to exert more energy than they create. It's a little stagnant.

In short, life is too easy here. Too casual. I can see how people dig it. I definitely don't. I'm ready for New York with its crowded streets, unbearable humidity and strong sense of self. As much as NYC is changing and annoying me, that's where I belong. For now.

Adventures in Southern Southern California

New York has been going through beastly weather - high temperatures and higher humidity. Beastly. Happily, I've not been experiencing it. HAH! I've been in San Diego since Saturday afternoon. Alas, not for vacation (because why would I choose this place for that reason? Puh), but for work. I was flown over and put up in a swanky room for a trial which begins this coming Monday. Work is 13 hour days, etc., etc. Who cares. The best part so far has been seeing my family. My parents and one of my brothers came to pick me up at the San Diego airport, and after leaving my bags with the fawning front desk, off we went to:
!

It's always fun for me to go to the land of my forefathers. We decided to skip Tijuana and drive down along the coast to a small lobster village we used to frequent in our family's younger days. Along the ways, hilarity ensued! We got stopped at the border going IN and had to submit to a car search. How vulgar. Once we hit the highway the telltale smell of Mexico greeted us; I've missed that. As we passed Rosarito, one of the bloody tires blew out! I've never been in a car where that has happened. We were able to pull over and it was as if we were all raised in a NASCAR state because we had that tire fixed in 4 minutes. Shit was shredded. The tire, not us.

Eventually we made it to our destination and after a pitcher of margaritas, were feeling no pain. What was feeling pain was the lobster I devoured.


An enjoyable meal!

The drive back to the U.S. was not without family drama; bless them. The clouds rolled in and the Pacific Ocean took on a mysterious aura. It was beautiful. One of the more depressing aspects of visiting Baja California is the crowd of peddlers selling their wares to the car passengers waiting to enter America. It always pains me to see 5 year old girls selling gum and candy to help make a living. I hid behind my sunglasses.

We finally made it back to the hotel, and the next day my folks left. It's always wonderful seeing them, but also a little exhausting. I feel guilty for writing that, and more for thinking it, mais c'est vrai.

More on San Diego later, but for now, every night I curl up in my king-sized bed wishing my boyfriend was next to me.

Sigh

The thing about hate is that it begins to dissipate when it does one no good. My hate for Mr. Obama was real, but perhaps was a little overemphasized due to my love for Mrs. Clinton. Now that the end has come, I'm going to use the next month or two to deprogram myself and come to terms with the big picture: No more Republican presidents. And truthfully..the historical aspect is giving me goose pimples. While I would have rather have had Clinton as the first female president, we chose a black man as a presidential candidate. Amazing and by time. As Michelle Obama so tactlessly said once: For the first time, I am proud of my country.

Oh, Hai

Fans,

I've got nothing for you. Absolutely nothing! This past week at work was long and arduous, but the weekend that followed was long and languorous. Gearing up for a trial in San Diego in a couple weeks and that is sapping all my energy.

But let me use my lovely soapbox to say one thing: I still DETEST Barack Obama. His arrogant tactics make me sick. While I certainly won't be voting for McCain the crackpot, Mr. Fake-Happy-Smiling all the time is still not guaranteed my vote.

That is all.

Celebrity Sighting!

Work has been extremely busy these past couple weeks, and it's not been pleasant. But yesterday it was calm enough for me and some co-workers to let a vendor take us out to a slightly boozy lunch. We went to a Mexican restaurant on 2nd Avenue, where I drank a rather tasty mango margarita and lunched on some amazing pork shoulder. Anyway. Who was sitting but a couple tables away? Ms. Kathleen Turner! What a sighting. She was having lunch with five other women. Funnily enough, someone other than me noticed her first and that's weird because I usually have great celebrity-radar. Well. If you've seen photos of Ms. Turner recently, obviously you'll know that she doesn't look like she once did, but who fucking does?? I thought she still looked amazing, and please. That VOICE. Her voice is simply without equal. I was completely starstruck. Too bad the guys I was with were pretty much acting like chauvinistic pigs. I hate straight guys sometimes. But forget them. Vive le Kathleen!!

Photo Essay: 6am Rooftop

A few weeks ago, Zach and I stayed out until 6 am or so and after getting home, hung out on our roof. His brother was visiting and joined us. It was lovely.

Pretty Damned Bummed Out

Our family dog Belle was put to sleep yesterday, a hard but necessary decision performed by my mother. I am generally not a pet person, but Belle was quite special. After 17 years with us, she was part of our family. It's going to be weird going home next time and not seeing her face at the window. I'm going to miss her very much.

Wedding Bells

Dearest Fans:

This weekend my lovely friends Kate & Keith are marrying after a three year courtship. I couldn't be happier for them. I'm at the age where many of my straight friends are marrying, which is how it goes. But what would I feel if the gays were allowed to marry (in all states), and began doing so? After reading this past Sunday's New York Times Magazine cover story, I'm not so sure I wouldn't boycott them!

Let state my true opinion: I feel gay marriage should be legal, accepted, and treated as "normal" as any heterosexual's. If allowed, hell, one day I'd probably want to do it. However, I have serious issues with the attitude many gays co-opt in attributing normalization to marriage. I have a problem with being 'normal'. What is normal in today's society? Marriage, kids, house, the mall, celebrity worship. And boredom, apathy, inertia, status quo.

This article pissed me off because all those boring gays interviewed are just that: boring! They are all from the same cookie cutter, and it depresses me that these young guys in their early 20's feel that having the 'normal' trappings of life is something to aspire to. Those normal trappings include being judgmental to those who don't share their world view. "Aha!" you're thinking, "They're judgmental? Look at what you're saying Mike." I suppose, yes, I am a little, but at least I can see both sides of the argument. I feel gays gung-ho about marriage don't. I'm basing this on conversations I've had with people, and on what I read, this article included. They feel they have to follow the ritual path of courtship, engagement, engagement party, wedding, picking of a song, etc., etc. It's so lame! Why follow a model that has been designed (however subtly) to exclude gays? Why should we follow the same well-worn path?

It didn't help that this article featured the kind of gay I avoid like a sports bar. They are all WASPS, perpetuating stereotypical gay characteristics, equating good taste to throwing fabulous parties. They're all around rather ghastly. It shouldn't have surprised me that they're the ones getting married, but the fact they're all in their early 20's shocks me. Who would want to waste their 20s on marriage?? Do they not realize they're still unformed blobs who have a lot more maturing to do? (As a 29 year old, I can say that). They argue that their parents married at that age, so why not them? Such a b.s. statement. Unfortunately, I see futures rife with cheating and divorces because hello! Queens or not, they're guys and guys like having sex. You think a 23 year old is going to hold back? (Gosh, I don't think I'm that cynical, by the way..just realistic.)

The author argues that young gays aren't as tortured by being in the closet like previous generations and so, feel it's a normal thing to get married, but I suppose that goes back to my main issue with these gays: that desire to follow that worn out path. They want the same things that they've seen on tv and movies without really knowing why. They just know that others have done it the same way and they should too. It's either really tacky...or simply human nature.

Photo Essay: April in SoCal

To be brief: the ground photos were taken from 30,000 feet - LA looks pretty cool, don't it? The boy playing with the grass in the uniform is my awesome nephew. We spent two-and-a-half hours in the blazing sun watching kids play ball. Not my idea of fun, but he's worth it. Lastly, pictures or our dog, Belle, the main reason for my visit. Age has definitely caught up with her, and who knows how much longer she has, but during this visit, she was as spry as she could be.